I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
