Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
