I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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