Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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