i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
