you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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