I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
