Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
