Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
