I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
