I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
