Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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