forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
tell your sister to shave her snatch
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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