is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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