I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
