so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
