I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
