I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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