I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
