Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
