it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
