Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
