My entire life is one complicated drinking game
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
