I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
