My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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