oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
