I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
