currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
