Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
