I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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