i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
