I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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