i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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