Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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