I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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