I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
