sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
