i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Why are your pants in the freezer?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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