Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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