But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
