Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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