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I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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