She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
