I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
