some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
