I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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