First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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