I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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