Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
