Tell her she can't have a vagina
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
